My first glimpse into my dominant side came unexpectedly. A rebound encounter, meant to fill a void after a breakup, turned into a surprising discovery about what I enjoy in intimacy and connection. It was the moment I began wondering whether a female-led dynamic might actually suit me.
How I first discovered my dominant side
It was mostly an accident that I discovered I like being in charge. I was seeing a guy shortly after a break-up and in retrospect I was probably just trying to override all the memories I had with my last partner. As we were making out, I gently started pulling his hair back, kissing his neck just below the right ear. He REALLY enjoyed that, encouraging me to continue. The further we went, the more I took charge and the bigger my surprise, how much we were both into it. Things ended shortly afterwards, as they if you’re not healing but trying to move on too fast. Yet, the bedroom certainly was not the reason for us to stop seeing each other.
Moving on with my life, properly taking the time to heal and getting ready to start something new, I kept thinking about my experiences with the rebound guy. I came to the conclusion that it might be worth exploring such a dynamic further, so when my friend recommended Chyrpe to me, I was instantly intrigued. Intrigued but also intimidated. Popular culture presents dominant women to us as whip swinging divas dressed in black leather pants threatening to kick your butt. While I think it is great for everybody to dress and be like they prefer to, I can’t identify myself much with it. I’ve once tried putting on black nailpolish and it made me feel alien to myself. I did contemplate joining Chyrpe quite a while, because I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to meet the expectations of people there.
What does it mean to be dominant?
I used to think that anything involving a dominant woman automatically fell under femdom. That image of leather, whips and dungeon aesthetics is so present in mainstream culture that I didn’t realise something else existed. Femdom mostly belongs to the BDSM world, and the term female-led relationship often gets lumped together with it online. But the two aren’t the same.
What I didn’t know back then is that FLR stands on its own as a relationship model rather than a BDSM dynamic. Many people in the FLR community even insist that it lives entirely outside kink, with overlaps only where couples consciously choose to bring in the spicy parts. At its core, an FLR is simply a partnership where the woman sets the tone, sometimes subtly, sometimes overtly, in whatever areas feel natural to both partners.
Learning about female-led relationships
And once I discovered that, something clicked. I realised that being in charge didn’t have to mean latex outfits or elaborate role-play. It could be as straightforward as me choosing where the next date will be, trusting my instincts because I actually do come up with better ideas. It could be me taking the lead financially, or having my viewpoints carry more weight when we make decisions together. And yes, when things do drift into kinkier territory, it might also mean telling him that his hands are off-limits until I say otherwise, a moment I enjoy more than I care to admit. Learning about FLRs helped me understand that my version of leadership in a relationship didn’t need to fit the stereotype I’d seen everywhere. It had its own space, its own logic, and it felt like home.
This little listicle has made me realize that I might be further on the flr spectrum than I’ve realized. And that I don’t have to be swinging a whip to make a man obey me. I was quite content to give myself the clearance to join Chyrpe. The app makes it clear that for as long as you’re somewhere on that female-led spectrum, Chyrpe is a good place for you to meet people. Joining Chyrpe helped me understand what FLR dating could look like in real life. Looking through the bios of my potential male partners, I could also see the range reflected. There’s men in obedient poses showing off their kinky wardrobe and there’s cutesy men holding a dog stating in their bio that they’re new to this but excited to explore. The most interesting men on Chyrpe to me are the cutesy dogowners whose bio states that the thing they want most in life is getting pegged. Personally, I have decided that I haven’t joined Chyrpe to find out if I’m dominant, but to see how much I want to further explore my dominance.
